I have been living with undiagnosed PTSD since my 20’s.
I finally learned the truth after a terrifying series of symptoms in the Fall of 2024 forced me to listen to the secret my body had been hiding for at least a decade. I will never be the same. It completely shattered my world. Nothing prepared me for the haunting mystery of trauma–being unable to recall important details to put together a simple outline of what happened to me. I’m still trying to figure out if it’s better or worse not to remember.
But once the secret is revealed, you can never go back to who you were before. It can’t be undone. You will always know that you survived. Then there’s the constant battle between your body and mind…one is begging for your attention while the other keeps telling you to look away. The pain comes in waves. A feeling, a sound, a smell, the flash of a face into your waking consciousness…the nightmares that are so vivid they stay with you for days.
I’ve always been passionate about telling stories, but I had no idea how many pages were missing from my own. Everyone heals differently. I’ve tried various things, but so far, medication, weekly psychotherapy, and practicing mindfulness have gotten me to a place where I can manage my symptoms. But it’s an ongoing process, something I have to choose to do every single day of my life.
PTSD hinders your ability to plan for your own future by constantly trying to drag you into the past and imprison you there. It’s hard to get excited about big dreams and goals when any little thing can set you back at any time for days, months or years. It dims the path to evolving into a better version of yourself by tricking you into believing that it’s better to just give up…because how in the world can you suffer for even one more second? So you learn to live in the moment, one breath at a time, because that’s the safest place to be: away from the memories of the past and the ghosts of the people you could have become.
Healing from PTSD is a gift.
Healing from PTSD means desperately clinging to little moments of resilience that peak through the darkness. Some days, it touches you like the warm glow of sunshine. Other times, they’re so distant that you just have to blindly believe there is still hope somewhere beyond the horizon.
Healing from PTSD means accepting that it’s not about getting to a better destination but a journey with both beautiful and terrifying seasons. It means looking at scorched earth, and instead of seeing devastation, you see the potential for new life. It means becoming whole despite the damage and missing pieces.
Nearly five years ago I sought mental health help for the first time. I had no idea I was making a life-long commitment to finding my authentic self, to unravel and delicately peel back each tangled layer. I’m finally learning my story.